(Photo Credit: Ami Vitale)

Blog Post by Patrick Gaines
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Why do we experience loneliness in our lives? Many of us feel the pull to carve out alone time to recoup, reflect, or relax in the pleasant company of our own vital spirit. But when accompanied by intense waves of loneliness, time alone can feel like forced isolation. The root of loneliness seems to lie in the unique solitude of each individual and surfaces as a deep-seated feeling that is challenging to articulate and even harder for us to grasp.

Times of sadness can plunge us into a sea of loneliness. Events like the dissolution of a relationship, falling short of a personal goal, or the death of a pet or someone we love. The soul retreats, grieving in solitude. Even moments of joy, like a hallmark birthday celebration, the birth of a child, or a significant personal achievement can be shrouded by feelings of unworthiness and loneliness. Are these just temporary letdowns after moments of great heights? Sometimes it feels like nothing can withstand this descent. All the connections we have built through family, friends, neighbors, loved ones, daily routines, and years of hard work suddenly seem meaningless. We feel strangely detached, distant, and disconnected. We feel cast out, with no sense of belonging anywhere. The grip of loneliness takes hold.

To protect ourselves from these moments and resist the traps of isolation, we turn to psychoanalysis, religion, and pharmacology in an attempt to explain them away or acquire medications that try to suppress them. These quick fixes often leave us feeling pressured to connect, engage socially, join support groups, get involved, reach out for help, or seek solace in medication. We may find logic and reason in these connection-based remedies, but the fear of failing to establish a connection that works sometimes arrests us with paralyzing feelings of loneliness.

Some say that loneliness is a result of humanity’s mistakes and separation from goodness. They believe that feeling alone is like being lost and separated from hope and faith. It’s seen as a punishment for our wrongdoings. Others think that loneliness is a natural part of life, where we have to find our own meaning without any clear guidance. In the words of Primo Levi, we all must “…find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions, facing blind, deaf stone alone, with nothing to help you but your own hands and your own head.” It’s a tough challenge to face loneliness with strength and courage.

These explanations measure loneliness against literal isolation and suggest that it can be remedied through human efforts or interventions. They also assume that loneliness is inherently unpleasant. But what if loneliness stems from a natural part of being alive alongside the likes of joy, grief, and curiosity? If we consider loneliness as an archetypal experience that accompanies us throughout life, we open ourselves to the possibility that it is a natural part of our human experience. Afterall, loneliness can strike regardless of our physical proximity to others, as it is not solely dependent on being physically alone. When seen through an archetypal lens, loneliness becomes a necessary aspect of the human experience, free from associations with sin, dread, unworthiness, or wrongdoing. Loneliness is not inherently negative when set in this broader context.

Through a softer gaze, we may discover that loneliness comprises elements of nostalgia, fondness, silence, and a longing for something beyond the present moment. These emotions are central to both sacred and secular values across many cultures, reflecting a deep yearning for a sense of home that is not easily defined. Loneliness evokes feelings of exile, a longing to return to a place unknown but deeply felt. It speaks to a yearning for connection beyond our immediate survival needs.

The essence of loneliness lies beyond sociological or psychological analysis. It is a profound experience that transcends mere physical isolation. Embracing loneliness as part of our journey, rather than seeking to escape it, invites us to explore its deeper meanings and connections to our inner selves. Like an acorn yearning for its roots, loneliness beckons us to reflect on our origins and our place in the world.

In childhood, I soothed my loneliness through the magical worlds of J.R.R. Tolkein’s Middle Earth and beyond the wardrobe in C.S. Lewis’s Narnia. In this way, loneliness served as a catalyst for the development of my creativity and imagination. As a young adult, loneliness compelled me to challenge my own assumptions and the conventions of society to help me break through generational stereotypes and find my own path toward becoming a contributing member of society. Over the past twenty years, I’ve experienced a series of fearsome initiations brought on by health crises, addiction, and unrelenting chronic pain. The first two-thirds of that journey were fraught with unhealthy choices and behaviors that were predicated on raging against the torrent of hardships that had come my way. My attempts to manage this turbulent season on my own drove me toward a dark chamber of isolation that alienated me from family, friends and community.

Like many others who have endured similar conditions, liberation from my self-imposed prison of isolation and loneliness was initiated by the people who love me most. The unexpected part of their offering was that they didn’t pull me out and rescue me. Miraculously, they invited me to move toward the loneliness and pain, with the assurance that they would be on call for support and waiting where the light offered hope and connection. Indeed, I called on their support to help provide a measure of safety and accountability, but the necessary efforts were concentrated between me and my relationship with loneliness and pain.

In distilling my story, I recognize the risk of oversimplifying a complex and fragile process. In light of that, I feel compelled to reiterate that reaching out for the support of a compassionate witness or trusted friend in times of personal crisis is always a strong move. And by communing with states of loneliness and pain, I was able to discover my inner-most wants and needs and access the powerful internal resources that were every bit a part of me as my feelings of loneliness. In this way, loneliness transformed into an ally to help me process, integrate, and move through the natural ebb and flow, chaos and repair of life.

In the complexity of loneliness, we find a tapestry of emotions and desires that speak to our deepest longings and aspirations. By embracing loneliness as a part of our human experience, we can uncover profound truths about ourselves and our place in the universe. Let us not shy away from loneliness but become curious about the gifts that can be derived through a relationship with our inner allies.